And the Weather Will Hold

I’ve been reading more and writing less lately.  I have a lot of ideas in my mind, and many things that I am sure that I could write on.  But I am incapable of doing so.  I think that recently, a lot of my emotions are being suppressed.  They come and go.  I feel something, but it’s as if it is not really there, and it’s really hard for me to talk about things.  All that I can manage to do lately is sleep and read.  Eating hasn’t even made it very far on my list.  I made a really difficult decision today.  It’s already done.  I thought about it all day at work, and it drove me mad.  I literally could not stand to be in that building because I felt that I had to get out and deal with things.  I feel overwhelmed now though, with the choice that I have made.  Sometimes I wonder if it’s the right one, but then I know when I walk in.  I realize that I contemplated the idea in the first place for a reason.  I want to trust my instincts on this one, because I know that things will improve.  My life seems to go this way though.  Things look okay for a while, and then they collapse.  I’m just sad that I won’t be where I want to be on the anniversary of his death.  I’m terrified of it as it approaches.  It’s so much closer, and I can remember these days from last year.  I was so happy.  The best nights were fast approaching; the moments that made it all worth it.  I’m feeling so trapped with these memories.  The grief is catching up to me and I desperately want to out run it.  I was never one for stamina, and now that is evident more than ever.

Mmmm I just became really exhausted.  I have to try and be awake though because I have to go and pick up Nathan soon.  Well, I am assuming that it will be soon.  In the next hour or so at least.  Which is sooner than it was an hour ago.  I meant to just nap, but there were people over.  Who were surprisingly quiet, but yeah.  I just decided to get distracted with recycling boxes and braids.  And Great Aunt Ida.  I haven’t really put that album in since Ryan died.  I still remember Rob putting it on while I laid in Ryan’s bed.  I was surrounded by his clothes, his CDs, his scent.  And I just remember crying.  Everyone was looking at pictures on his computer with Tyler.  But I just laid there and sobbed.  Sometimes I couldn’t because it was just too much.  I feel so bad that all of the wrong people die.  He was one of the last greatest.

We Both Go Down Together

I haven’t really been writing in this.  I know that every once in a while, I will have a post that says exactly this.  And then I explain that I am okay.  I have been okay.  It’s not that I have nothing to say when I am happier, it’s just thta I am doing other things, and not sitting in front of my computer.  I’ve been trying to get outside every day, which isn’t difficult when you walk to work.  I feel that despite how much I hate hot weather and the sun, it’s really good for me.  I don’t know if it is helping my mood.  It could be the medication it could be my diet, and it could even be the boy.  But either way, I am changing the way that I think.  It’s something that I’ve been trying to do for the past month or two.  I haven’t been seeing my grief counsellor, and I do feel bad for that because every time that I miss an appointment, she thinks that I killed myself.  Which sucks… I guess.  I don’t want to make people think that.

‘Cause you act like a man who’s close with every woman he’s never had.  If it’s true looks could kill then you would be the first to make me mad.  Baby, you gotta go.

People die and that’s reality.  I’ll always miss Ryan.

Imagerical

“So that’s what we’ve done, gotten by, out on the edges of things, where no one was watching us too closely.  We have, let us face it and admit it, little influence.  We prey on them, and we take from them, and we get by; we strip and we whore and we drink too much; we pump gas and we steal and we cheat and we exist in the cracks at the edges of society.  Old gods, here in this new land without gods.”

Falling Slowly

If you don’t mind me saying, I think that somehow, you wrote this for me.

I don’t know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can’t react
And games that never amount
To more than they’re meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You’ve made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can’t go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I’m painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It’s time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You’ve made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You’ve made it now

Falling slowly sing your melody
I’ll sing along

Tangled Up In [the] Blue[s]

I’ve been super busy lately.  I haven’t had a lot of time to sit and enjoy not doing anything.  I laid in my bed for a while tonight and just messed up my hair and sighed a lot.  It was kind of awesome.  Then there were people suddenly over and I felt that I either had to be social, or just carry on being anti-social.  I chose to be anti-social.  I collected all of my library books, and walked down to return them.  Slowly, oh so slowly.  I mostly ended up chatting with my boss and my co-workers for quite a while, and I only signed out two books (the first two in a series), two movies, and one CD.  My bag almost ripped walking there because the books were so heavy.  I had to return a lot.  I wanted to bike down, but I couldn’t.  Oh well.  The walk was really nice.  I’m so tired, I can’t even add in funny comments.  I have worked too much these past three days, and it’s not even going to stop yet.

Tweed’s cage is in my room right now.  I am listening to her soft crunching on her food.  She just watches me.  She knows so much.  I think that she isn’t as dumb as she is.  She knows me, and she knows what I do for her, and how I speak with her.  I haven’t read to her for a while though.  I used to recite the Gettysburg Address to her.

Tomorrow I have to work from 9:45am - 12:45pm at the library and then from 2:00pm - 9:00pm at my other job.  I am going to bring one of my books to the new job and see how much reading I can get done in between calls.  I had a horrid day today.  Horrid.  At least I won’t have to walk home after.  I’m looking forward to the ride, and the person.

On another note, I am really dehydrated.  I’ve been drinking as much water as I can this past week, just as my doctor said.  I’ve been trying to really take care of myself.  I haven’t eaten meat for so long, I’ve almost entirely cut out dairy from my diet, I jog, walk and bike as much as I can.  I also am trying to stop ingesting so much caffeine.  It’s mostly worked, but some days, I feel that I can’t do it without some coffee.  Ahhh.  Maybe decaf would work.  I could just try and make it like a placebo effect.  I don’t know why I am still awake right now.  I meant to have a quick bath, and then read a bit, but I ended up taking forever in the bath and shaving my legs.  They are so incredibly soft right now.  I hope that they can last until tomorrow night.  Now I’m just procrastinating bed.  I really need to sleep.  I suppose that’s where I am heading.

The Fine Art of Falling Apart

I walk alone and I
I ride alone and I
I rock myself to sleep
Baby, there ain’t enough room in this world
For people like you
And horrors like me

A time of darkness
There lived a girl
In a cave
In the woods
Disguised as a bee
At night she would fly into the city
Sting the cause
And sting the cost
And she would hover over me
Whispering
And so we sing
We’re surfacing
We’re surfacing

I stand alone and I
I fight alone and I
Stay clean by feeling cheap
And baby, there ain’t enough room in this world
For perfections like you
And monsters like me

A time of darkness
You will look absurd and you will feel inert
And you will go looking to blame somebody
You see I used to think that I’d get over everything
But everything just got
Over me

I’m some of it
You’re some of it
We’re some of it
I’m certain of it

I walk alone and I
I ride alone and you know
That’s all right by me
See baby ’cause
Here ain’t enough room in this world
For a great, great many things

I Felt Your Shape

I thought I felt your shape but I was wrong,
Really all I felt was falsly strong
I held on tight and closed my eyes,
It was dumb, I had no sense of your size

It was dumb to hold so tight
But last night on your birthday in the kitchen,
My grip was loose, my eyes were open
I felt your shape and heard you breathing,
I felt the rise and fall of your chest

I felt your fall,
Your winter snows,
Your gusty blow,
Your lava flow
I felt it all:
Your starry night,
Your lack of light
With limp arms I can feel most of you

I hung around your neck independently
And my feeling of loss was overwhelemed
By this new depth I don’t think I’ve ever felt

But I don’t know…
My nights are cold
November warmth,
I could have sworn
I wasn’t alone.

We Both Matter, Don’t We?

Pretending there’s glamor, and candelabra when you’re drinking by candlelight.

I guess that I am back to secret keeping.  I told Joyce something yesterday, but now I wish that I hadn’t.  I think that I want to keep it from everyone.  But I think that’s only because I made the wrong decision yesterday.

I mean, I did wake up this morning and think to myself about how sometimes I am not strong enough.  Not in a negative way, at all.  I just mean that sometimes, this is the answer.  I just need to get over myself and understand that it doesn’t make me a bad person.

I’ve been reading a lot more poetry these days, in hopes that it will encourage me to write more again.  I’m also finding that I am running out of things to say, at least on this blog.  It’s not like I really have anything great to say, and I doubt that many people want to come online and read about what I have to say about myself.  I guess I could make this private, and literally have it for myself.

Ehh.  I’m think my hair is wandering over to the way of the mullet once again.  Gah.

It Isn’t Insane On Paper

I had a bit of a beautiful evening.  In some ways.  I learned the meaning of what it is to enjoy someone entirely.  Rephrase: relearned.  However, I might have reached the point of no return on this one.  I am quite literally taken, and I want to do everything that I can to please.  The obstacle is that I cannot.  I have decided to focus on all the ways that it could turn out badly for myself.  I think that it’s better for now, to think that I will fail at this one, so that should I get my heart broken, at least I can say that I saw it coming.  Most of the time I am too caught up in this, however, to even think about the potential heartbreak.  I guess that I never expected something like this to occur.  I thought that I had met every last wonderful person in this world.  I’m just happy when I see those eyes.  And that’s good enough for me.

I suppose the thing that tends to bring me down is how I can easily think of four separate situations where I was not chosen.  I feel that I am always number two.  When I say feel, I actually mean that I have been repeatedly tossed to the side.  I don’t mean to focus on the negative, but it’s just much easier, and it seems to be the trend in the first place.  It’s really silly to even admit this, but I am finding that I can’t really be unhappy a lot of the time recently.  I am having to struggle to stay in a bad mood.  My boss keeps asking me why I keep smiling.  He said that it’s so nice to see me happy, but it’s weird that I’ve been in a good mood all week.  I don’t want to be happy though if I am going to be crushed.  Or maybe I do.  I want to just enjoy this feeling while I can, and all that I can do is hope that it might last.

I just feel that you are worth my time and patience.  I don’t mind waiting for someone like you, and I can’t see how I ever would.

I have to stop writing about people when they don’t know it.  It might be creepy?  I guess that’s what I get for having an online journal.  I should write on paper more often.  Like this morning.  Which reminds me that I wrote a poem this morning that I do not remember.  I want to go and see if it’s actually any good.  I bet not.  I was so incoherent and weird this morning.  I sat on the porch for a second even. I hope it’s nice tomorrow.  I want to drive to work and feel like a bitch for not walking.

Please don’t forget to go to the bank tomorrow.  Oh, I guess I could go on Saturday, too, if I don’t make it tomorrow.  But that would then require going all the way to the mall.  I should walk to the mall.  On Saturday.  Hmmm.  Motivation or something.  Ehhh.  I want to see my brother, and I wish that my sister would come home, too.

Wake Up, It’s No Use Pretending

It’s 1:00am and I have been going all day.  I woke up very motivated.  I don’t know why.  I mentioned it before, but lately, I am just trying to distract myself with what I can.  I wrote out a “to-do” list this morning so when I got home from my jobs, I would have things to do.  I even got most of them done.  I didn’t do the most important one though, which was writing a letter to the Registrar of UNBC.  Bahh, whatever.  I washed my sheets, and I am actually excited to lay in bed and smell them.  I washed one of my eight blankets as well, too.  I got stranded out of town today and I photographed deer.  I totally enjoyed the shit that I got myself into.  I drove everywhere.  I went to a lake, a river, a dump, and two houses that I lived and will live in.  I saw horses and deer and magpies.  But I still can’t believe that I just took off.  I guess I was feeling adventurous.  Joyce asked me why I didn’t invite her.  I don’t know, probably because I did intend on making it to work on time.  Now I am home, my room looks amazing (mostly) and I am reading about horoscopes and Zodiac shit online.  I get easily entertained once it gets past midnight.  For instance, I am learning all about my characteristics as a Sagittarius.  I can make a list for you:

• witty conversationalist
• freedom loving / free-spirited
• idealistic / believing
• moral
• intelligent / intellectual
• positive / optimistic
• honest / sincere
• reliable
• enterprising / ambitious
• energetic
• versatile
• adventurous
• independent
• generous
• temperamental
• impatient

Believe it or not, I in fact agree with all of those.  Except for the impatient one.  I like to think that I am fairly patient.  I know that I can have my moments of impatience and haste (who doesn’t), but as Heather pointed out today at work, I am notorious for putting up with people and situations until the bitter end.  I’ll drive myself over the edge before I give up.  I also don’t know if I am actually free-spirited.  I always thought that you had to be really in touch with yourself for that, or at least one of those beautiful blonde girls who isn’t a bitch and spins in circles in fields.  Apparently Thursday is my day as well.  Which is kind of true in every way.  I love Thursdays so much, and I can’t explain why.  Today is Thursday.  Well, early morning Thursday, and I am looking forward to it in every way.  As always.

Well, I feel like a complete douche for talking about myself and Zodiac shit signs now.  I’m sorrrry; I’ve had an eventful day!  I might cook tomorrow night, if my friend wants to.  I should thaw that stuff.  Not now.  I’ll wake the treeplanters.